Happy New Year everyone!!! Welcoming 2019 with ruffles and shine!
The honest truth is, I can’t wait for 2018 to end. Since August actually, I’ve been counting down the days. Given that 2018 was the year of the dog (a bad luck year if it was your year and the year of the dog is my year), I felt it was already off to a rocky start. And it was the perfect storm with the past and present, all colliding. I felt the highest highs and lowest lows. I went from feeling emotionally depleted and physically drained to feeling empowered and accomplished all within a very short period of time. And the more I shared about my past, the more people around me started sharing about theirs. Nothing more raw and true than the painful human experiences that connects us all. And for that, I count my blessings every day.
I feel extremely blessed. I experienced two things that most survivors often do not get to experience. One, taking my abusers to court. And two, seeing them again 20 years later. My district attorney told me that cases open, but most don’t go to trial. For whatever reasons, family pressure, safety issues, and so much more, young survivors (especially Asian) don’t get their day in court. I was extremely lucky to be under the care of three courageous women: my district attorney, my investigator, and my victim witness advocate. They saw me more than my social worker and went to great lengths to protect and made sure that justice was served. When I delivered my victim impact statement, I told the judge that the reason why I’m here is not to seek the maximum sentencing. I’m here, because I wanted to tell the truth. And that truth costed me my family. My nuclear and extended family didn’t speak to me again after the trail. 20 years later, I saw some of them again.
Most of my life, I’ve always felt like I was in hiding. Hiding from my past and hiding from the shame. And that weight became unbearable to carry. Sharing my story lifted some of the weight, and seeing my parents and relatives again lifted some of the remaining. My parents and I didn’t reconcile or have any closure, but being in the same physical space as them allowed me to experience a heighten sense of self. And what I experienced at my brother’s wedding gave me the opportunity to embrace and reclaim my 5-year-old, 12-year-old, and 14-year-old self. No one was there to protect them, but I’m here now and I will forever protect them. And more importantly, I will work towards protecting other children and advocating for the young-year-old child in us who’ve experienced sexual abuse.
This is my last post of 2018 and I’m so grateful that I can share all of this aloud and not feel shame or despair. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for your listening ear and tender heart. Thank you for your support, love, and encouragement. Happy New Year everyone! To all those with family, to those who are away from family, to those who wishes to be closer to family, to those who do not have a family… today and always, wishing you endless happiness, love, and peace in 2019. And to all survivors out there, my heart is always with you.
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